AN's first time riding the Tower of Terror

She's finally tall enough (weird how Asia rides for kids have stricter rules on height)

When the kids bond

Emotional

AN wet herself in class today. According to her teacher, she was too busy playing and forgot to go to the toilet then.

I wasn't too affected at that time.

It just happened again. She said she needed to pee but let go before she even finished her sentence.

This is the second time it happened today. What's wrong with her?? Each time things like these happen, I feel like a failure.

Did she forget? Was it on purpose? Why didn't I remind her to pee?

I can't stop crying now. Partly coz I'm disappointed that she's still consciously wetting herself at this age when she was already off training pants for naps in Tucson. I'm also crying because I consciously too, tried to make her feel bad when she was happily pretending to be a princess earlier before the accident. My heart ached when her joy and laughter turned into silent fear. I succeeded in making her feel lousy. But I'm not happy!!! Now, what's wrong with me too? I was so upset I pulled a blanket from under her and she toppled over. My heart ached further, but nothing could make me tell her "it's ok. Try to remember next time."

I think there's something wrong with me. The problem doesn't lie with anything else. What is wrong with me?

WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME?!

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Terrible Two Doesn't Expire

From a stubborn 18mths old toddler who spoke little, to a nearly 4 years old preschooler who wants to make her own decisions, the stubborn trait of a terrible two never left.

It does get better sometimes, with reasoning but it's 'patience-consuming'. When the refusal to obey takes over and no amount of reasoning works, I feel like......I wish I can program her to obey.

On the other hand, the little ER is such a dear. He smiles all the time. Of course, being a baby means he cries too but I'm better equipped at handling cries now. Baby cries are easier to bear with than tantrums at an older age. At least that's how I feel.

For trying days when things just can't go right, his smiles seem to be God's way of giving me peace. Zu An = God's peace.

Many times, I wish I could go back in time when AN was still a little baby. And for the same reason, I wish ER will not grow up. Not too fast, at least.

I don't want AN growing up with the idea that I love ER more. The unfair truth is, because she's our firstborn and we have no prior experience coping with whatever will be coming our way, she'll almost always be the "white mouse". Not because we love her any less, but because she gives us the experience to better deal with how ER will be at each stage of his childhood.

I wonder if ER, being a boy, will be even more stubborn than AN is. ER makes us want a 3rd child coz he's super adorable. Makes me wonder, if he's going to be even more terrible than AN at every stage of his childhood, will we have another?

Must pray, must pray. No matter how they are as children, we pray they will grow up as God-loving and fearing adults.

I'm thankful for blogger. Writing made me feel better.

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Our First Loves

Was feeding them a while ago while ER slept. Baileys waited in down position and Maen did her tribal circle dance as usual. To remind her to wait (in down position like Baileys), I gave her a light tap on the 'lozenges' on top of her head.
Now I finally know what that mark on her head is for! Baileys doesn't have one. Go figure.

I can't remember when I last patted them but I did while they ate. That moment, I was overwhelmed by some strange emotions, something familiar.

I love them and its been a long time since I remembered it. Most days lately, I just hate to see pawprints by pee all over and patches of saliva when they lick the floor, less than a day after I got the floor looking shiny and nice, and for the past few weeks, tumbleweeds of fur right after spring cleaning.

Most people spring clean their house once a year. My mum says I do it every week. But no one can tell. Coz the house looks neglected no matter how hard I try.

That moment of stroking them got me thinking: "Do I really wasn't them to go?"

People who do not know us, speaks on behalf of them, saying that they will be happier with us, that I'm a MFB (some swear words that I'm won't explain more abt) who only pretends I love them.

How many human can second-guess the thoughts of another and get it right all the time? And you think you know my furkids better than I do. *applaudes* I don't even know if it'll make them happier somewhere else although I can only second-guess their preference.

The part of me who loves them, says they will be much happier with attention. And because all they get now is instructions to keep off (the floor when it's cleaning time) and keep out (of the rooms). No mental stimulation, no shower of love out even a hint of it. No time (even if I have, I use it elsewhere).

The selfish part of me finds me more time once they are gone. I can do housework once a week and get less tired and cranky coz I've less to do. I feel less stressed up and the human kids get a more smiley mummy. AN will get to do messy art coz I'll have time to clean up after her when I do not have that amount of cleaning up to do elsewhere anymore!

And then I remember how I longed to see them wagging happily each time I return home from work in the past, how I'd hug Baileys before Maen came, praying that he'll live for a long time and die one day before I do so that I can care for him till I die.

This is confusing to people who do not have dogs or only as pets, not family. How many reading this can understand the dilemma? I don't know.

I've been trying to avoid this topic and allowing myself to run on auto mode when situation arises each day. We'll let the Lord decide. Before anything else happens, they badly need a shower. This weekend, hopefully.

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Farewell Festive Fever

This is one fever I'm sure 99.9% of the world will hardly ever mind having. But like most fevers, one just has to recover.

Mr Liow applied to have the whole week off from tomorrow and I was definitely more than happy to hear.

Then bad things have to happen. Something came up at work during the CNY and not only will he not be able to go on leave as expected, he's probably going to be busy. And I wonder, why will there be an important meeting for which his presence is necessary, on Wed, if he knows he's already going on leave for a whole week? Sigh.....

It was time of rest for him while he still could, so I didn't really want to ask him for help with housework over the past few days of rest but I was tired too, with waking up early, sleeping late and having interrupted sleep at night. Plus BM's fur is growing out and they are starting to shed again, it's no longer just stickiness I'm trying to clean away everyday now.

I was tired, and cranky. No matter how hard I work each day, the house will never be good enough.

And to know that he won't be around as he said he would, that wasn't much help.

Every good thing has to come to an end. He said he'll try applying leave for the following week. I'm not going to set my hopes too high. Disappointment is not fun.

I need superhuman strength from tomorrow on, and bad reaction from the disappointment to get lost. Time to get the furkids shaved again. Life is back to what it's always been.

Time to recover from Festive Fever.

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Blowing Fire

AN whispered to me: "Gugu is upstairs breathing fire." when BIL happened to be asking around for her.

My SIL was smoking. This is AN's first attempt at giving a subject to the action. Breathing fire sounds cute. Her girls says she's "upstairs, breathing", sometimes "having some fresh air". Sounds cute. Haha!

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