I will never do this again

Ever since I got upgraded to a mummy, my anger management abilities have greatly declined.

Baileys & Maen were playing yesterday and when I caught Maen jumping around on the sofa, I stood up and had the intention of telling her "off". She looked right at me and peed on the sofa!! Exactly where AN rests her head during naps!

I got so fedup I picked Maen up and dropped her into the kitchen. I must hv dropped her too hard (can't even recall if I actually threw her!). Terribly evil, crazy, nonsensical, even abusive thing i did!!

She started barking loudly and couldn't move!! Usually if she was in pain that's not serious, she'd squeak once and attempt to move off. Not this time! She was frozen on the spot and kept barking....

Seemed as if her barks broke me out of the evil trance I was in. Those cries, I'd probably never forget...

I kept hugging her and couldn't stop crying. She didn't seem able to lift her head. I thought I had paralysized her...while hugging her and pressing her all over to check for broken bones, dislocation, pain etc, I couldn't stop praying that she'll be fine and promising that I'll never do anything like that again. Never never ever again.

In a matter of 15mins, she was up and walking. I didn't feel any awkward protrusion of bones, no squeaking as I apply pressure around her limbs and body. She seemed to be fine, except that she dared not leave her bed to follow me like she always does. She didn't come to me when I called her, didn't wag when I hugged her, she didn't even want to look at me when I had her in my arms. She would have licked my face all wet and sticky at other times.

I couldn't stop hugging her after the incident. I must have hurt her emotionally more than I did physically. She loved me so much. When she was a puppy, she loved to be in my arms. She would always be safe in my arms, from the disturbing Baileys or angry Mr Liow. My reaching hands made her wag, me walking towards her made her wag. Just the sight of me made her wag. I never had to ask her to come before she would run to me. Maen used to be my shadow.

She didn't come to me for a good hour last night when I called and did not wag. I broke her spirit.

She asked me last night with those loud barks, "Mummy, what have you become?" as she froze in fear and pain.

What have I turned into? An ingrateful monster?

She was fine by bedtime, chewing on the treat I gave her and walking around. And she would only follow Baileys around. I asked Baileys to help me watch over Maen during sleeping time and not let Maen die. She wasn't running with her tail wagging high in the air like she always does. I was so afraid Maen's cheerful spirit would die, so afraid something in her will give up.

I dreaded hearing Maen's barking early in the mornings usually but this morning was different. I was waiting to hear her, and was extremely thankful when I heard the usually irritating barks that used to disrupt my sleep.

She seemed to have totally forgotten about what happened yesterday when I went down for them this morning. She came to greet me with her tail held high, jumped around with her pretty smile and hopped to and fro in excitement. This is my Maen, my original Maen.

I promised the Lord I will never hurt Maen again. My heart bled as i pleaded with the Lord to not let any of Maen's bones be broken.I will NEVER do anything as near to causing her pain, never ever again. This promise extends to Baileys and Adrielle.

I've been shown mercy to have Maen back in one piece, including her heart. Thank God for giving me a chance to correct what I did wrong.

Dogs are capable of defending themselves with their agility and strong bites. Yet they remain at the mercy of the human they call family, trying to adapt as their human family changes in size and habits.

In the words of a little child: "God is busy with big things, so He sent puppies to take care of little things like me."

Maen, mummy can't be sorry enough for having put you through that scary moment. Mummy promise, I'll never let my actions remind u of what happened ever again.