Incident 1
What a parent does not need when disciplining a misbehaving child is to have a grandparent walk into the room used for time out, in the midst of time out, to hug and tell the child: "granny loves you. Don't cry."
As if that was not enough, granny had to tell the parent off in front of the misbehaving child not to do that (put the child in the room for time out). Granny thinks time out will scare the child and stops the parent from doing what is necessary.
Do that a few more times and I will end up with a child that's resistant to discipline because she will soon realise someone will back her up.
What is granny trying to do? Prove to the vulnerable child that mummy doesn't love her and that granny is the best??
You may think granny feels heartache but from how I see it, for someone who spanks her other grandkids except this one, so badly the teacher in school had to call the mum of the child up to ask about unexplainable bruises on that the child who couldn't stop crying in class, one can hardly see compassion in a disciplinarian like that to be able to feel sorry for a child who's simply being punished with time out instead of being punished physically.
How more offending can it be when granny simply walks into the room without a word to soothe the screaming child and tells the mum off in front of the child when it was discipline time....
Incident 2
AN had been coughing since more than a week back. And since then, granny was around. She keeps telling us not to give AN ice (AN loves to crunch on ice) and cold water. We do not offer her ice and controls how much we give her, if she asks for it. Only after I hear her coughing lesser in the night, I will relax my control the next day. No one else hears her cough at night, maybe because I'm the one sleeping right beside her and I'm a light sleeper (trained since AN was born).
But granny also practises double standard.
She asks if AN wanted to buy sweets and AN said yes of course. Without asking me, she grabbed a pack of tic-tac and wanted to get it for AN. I stopped her and reminded her that AN is still coughing and I would prefer to stop her from eating sweet & sugary stuff till she gets better. (What is wrong with cold water and ice as compared to sweets when a child a coughing??)
AN then started to act up saying that granny says she can have sweets.
I reminded AN that she's still coughing but she wouldn't hear me and insisted granny said ok.
Granny then told her gently: "Granny say can BUT MUMMY SAYS CANNOT. Be good ok?" (Oh good!!! Mummy is the bad guy now. Granny is good.)
Incident 3
AN was offered a pack of gummy at a supermarket (only Mr Liow, AN and I went grocery shopping that day). She wanted to open it up but we said no and she did not persist in asking to have any. She held the pack of gummies in her hands, wanting to show granny when we get home.
Once we got home, she excitedly showed granny what she was given. Granny then asked if she wanted one and attempted to open the packet for her.
AN was fast enough to tell granny (which I was quite glad AN actually understood that she has to recover before we will give her anything that's not helping her recover): "No I cannot eat this because I am still sick."
Granny then encouraged her: "One is ok." (OH MY .......)
AN then insisted no and I had to step in to remind my MIL that AN IS STILL COUGHING!!!!
AN upon seeing my reaction, then tried to coax me into giving one to her saying: "Granny says I can have one."
Mr Liow was around and insisted that she can have one only after she recovers but by then, AN was in no mood for negotiation.
Granny then stooped low and told her: "Granny says can but daddy says cannot. Listen to daddy ok. Granny loves you." (Do I hear another affirmation that granny loves her and will give her anything but not daddy and mummy?).
Mr Liow took her out to talk to her but ended up giving her one. AN settled for one and did not ask for more.
How powerful and confusing for a child when adults in the house do not agree on the same conditions, isn't it?
And how convincing in times like these, when one tells a young kid: "I love you but someone else says you cannnot have it." that a child will come to associate granny as the nice person and her parents being the evil one who will not give her good things.
Wrong wrong wrong...
I started out with only 1 incident and thought I could just ignore and forget about it but for the past 2 days, it keeps happening.
But what I was concerned with was, what was my MIL thinking when she gave AN the popcorn SECRETLY (pick one out from the bag and hurriedly pop it into AN's mouth). AN was not sick then, she was not throwing tanthrums, it was just another normal day of shopping. Did she think I wouldn't give AN popcorn because:
i. I do not think popcorn is good for AN
ii. I do not want AN to grow up being happy
If it's point (i), why would she then go ahead to give AN popcorn if it's not good for AN? I suppose she's more convinced that I might not agree to give AN popcorn because I am just not going to be happy with a happy toddler??
I do not understand her mentality. It's probably natural of grandparents to want to spoil their grandchildren and it's no wonder why most grandkids adore their grandparents more.
But to spoil the child by ALWAYS reminding them: "Daddy/ Mummy says no but granny says yes" and then adding: "granny loves you" instead of "your parents love you" is just planting very wrong thoughts in the young child that her parents do not love her because they are not allowing her to have things, even if it's for the right reasons.
Die liao.....this is what is going to happen ALL THE TIME once we go back. Praying for wisdom to deal with this issue. I've never spoken up to her when I do not agree but I am not going to keep silent about confusing my kids regarding our love for them.
Thank God Mr Liow agrees and has been assuring me that we will be firm about disciplining AN our way.
All these possible conflicts...
What a parent does not need when disciplining a misbehaving child is to have a grandparent walk into the room used for time out, in the midst of time out, to hug and tell the child: "granny loves you. Don't cry."
As if that was not enough, granny had to tell the parent off in front of the misbehaving child not to do that (put the child in the room for time out). Granny thinks time out will scare the child and stops the parent from doing what is necessary.
Do that a few more times and I will end up with a child that's resistant to discipline because she will soon realise someone will back her up.
What is granny trying to do? Prove to the vulnerable child that mummy doesn't love her and that granny is the best??
You may think granny feels heartache but from how I see it, for someone who spanks her other grandkids except this one, so badly the teacher in school had to call the mum of the child up to ask about unexplainable bruises on that the child who couldn't stop crying in class, one can hardly see compassion in a disciplinarian like that to be able to feel sorry for a child who's simply being punished with time out instead of being punished physically.
How more offending can it be when granny simply walks into the room without a word to soothe the screaming child and tells the mum off in front of the child when it was discipline time....
Incident 2
AN had been coughing since more than a week back. And since then, granny was around. She keeps telling us not to give AN ice (AN loves to crunch on ice) and cold water. We do not offer her ice and controls how much we give her, if she asks for it. Only after I hear her coughing lesser in the night, I will relax my control the next day. No one else hears her cough at night, maybe because I'm the one sleeping right beside her and I'm a light sleeper (trained since AN was born).
But granny also practises double standard.
She asks if AN wanted to buy sweets and AN said yes of course. Without asking me, she grabbed a pack of tic-tac and wanted to get it for AN. I stopped her and reminded her that AN is still coughing and I would prefer to stop her from eating sweet & sugary stuff till she gets better. (What is wrong with cold water and ice as compared to sweets when a child a coughing??)
AN then started to act up saying that granny says she can have sweets.
I reminded AN that she's still coughing but she wouldn't hear me and insisted granny said ok.
Granny then told her gently: "Granny say can BUT MUMMY SAYS CANNOT. Be good ok?" (Oh good!!! Mummy is the bad guy now. Granny is good.)
Incident 3
AN was offered a pack of gummy at a supermarket (only Mr Liow, AN and I went grocery shopping that day). She wanted to open it up but we said no and she did not persist in asking to have any. She held the pack of gummies in her hands, wanting to show granny when we get home.
Once we got home, she excitedly showed granny what she was given. Granny then asked if she wanted one and attempted to open the packet for her.
AN was fast enough to tell granny (which I was quite glad AN actually understood that she has to recover before we will give her anything that's not helping her recover): "No I cannot eat this because I am still sick."
Granny then encouraged her: "One is ok." (OH MY .......)
AN then insisted no and I had to step in to remind my MIL that AN IS STILL COUGHING!!!!
AN upon seeing my reaction, then tried to coax me into giving one to her saying: "Granny says I can have one."
Mr Liow was around and insisted that she can have one only after she recovers but by then, AN was in no mood for negotiation.
Granny then stooped low and told her: "Granny says can but daddy says cannot. Listen to daddy ok. Granny loves you." (Do I hear another affirmation that granny loves her and will give her anything but not daddy and mummy?).
Mr Liow took her out to talk to her but ended up giving her one. AN settled for one and did not ask for more.
How powerful and confusing for a child when adults in the house do not agree on the same conditions, isn't it?
And how convincing in times like these, when one tells a young kid: "I love you but someone else says you cannnot have it." that a child will come to associate granny as the nice person and her parents being the evil one who will not give her good things.
Wrong wrong wrong...
I started out with only 1 incident and thought I could just ignore and forget about it but for the past 2 days, it keeps happening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last time she came in 2008, she quietly gave AN a cup of popcorn (a generous sample portion offered by the popcorn man) and fed her while I was not looking. She sheepishly admitted that she gave AN popcorn when I saw her feeding AN. I was ok with it. I just didn't want her to have too much sugary stuff. Other snacks are fine with me.But what I was concerned with was, what was my MIL thinking when she gave AN the popcorn SECRETLY (pick one out from the bag and hurriedly pop it into AN's mouth). AN was not sick then, she was not throwing tanthrums, it was just another normal day of shopping. Did she think I wouldn't give AN popcorn because:
i. I do not think popcorn is good for AN
ii. I do not want AN to grow up being happy
If it's point (i), why would she then go ahead to give AN popcorn if it's not good for AN? I suppose she's more convinced that I might not agree to give AN popcorn because I am just not going to be happy with a happy toddler??
I do not understand her mentality. It's probably natural of grandparents to want to spoil their grandchildren and it's no wonder why most grandkids adore their grandparents more.
But to spoil the child by ALWAYS reminding them: "Daddy/ Mummy says no but granny says yes" and then adding: "granny loves you" instead of "your parents love you" is just planting very wrong thoughts in the young child that her parents do not love her because they are not allowing her to have things, even if it's for the right reasons.
Die liao.....this is what is going to happen ALL THE TIME once we go back. Praying for wisdom to deal with this issue. I've never spoken up to her when I do not agree but I am not going to keep silent about confusing my kids regarding our love for them.
Thank God Mr Liow agrees and has been assuring me that we will be firm about disciplining AN our way.
All these possible conflicts...
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