Finally Talking

Mum was home the next morning after the tension, to my surprise.

I actually heard my brother talking to her when I woke up but I didn't want to interrupt in case she walks away when she saw me. Then bro left for work and mum went back into the room. I continued to nap a little more before waking up for the day.

Soon after, bro sms-ed me asking me to have a talk with her and that he thinks she felt hurt. So when she finally came out of the room again, I stopped her in her tracks to ask her what was wrong. Her eyes were puffy, obviously she cried through the night.

She said she was sad that I'm always against her, that since we came back, we have already argued twice. And also she felt she got no respect from Mr Liow each time he asked her a question. He sounded like he was interrogating her and she didn't like it. Mr Liow does have a problem with probing too much. I didn't like that but have gotten used to it. This is something he has to change, not just towards my mum but to everyone else.

And even though mum had been assuring me that the incident that left us unhappy last year when they came over was past and forgotten, she had not really forgotten it. She was still hurt and for this past month, whenever Mr Liow's tone was less than respectful, memories all came back.

I listened to her and I think as she shared, she felt a little better.

I then gave her my point of view: From what I see, she gets upset whenever someone does not agree with her. She said she was upset that Mr Liow would question her to the point that she wouldn't know how to reply him and even my brother does not do that with her. And Mr Liow would retort her when he disagrees, something her own son does not. To me, she has to learn to deal with discussions (I am not agreeing that Mr Liow being disrespectful in his tone of voice is condonable and have spoken to him about it. He does not use that tone with his mum and I am upset he speaks like that to my mum too...). She flips whenever someone disagrees, that's why my bro and father has reached a point they remain silent even if they do not agree...

I told her that if she's upset with anything at all, to speak up like this time, instead of shutting herself up in the room and disappearing the whole day after that. Who on earth will know what is wrong, except that she's being very angry (and unreasonable).

She was upset that I walked into the kitchen to 'tell her off' when she said she wanted to wash the mattress up 'later'. I corrected her (she thought too much and remembered it all wrong!!!). Fact was, I was already in the kitchen making milk for AN and she went in to wash something. I wanted to agree with her that it was too late to do anything to the mattress but she was not responding to me, till I asked if I could have it up earlier coz I was having a backache from sleeping on the old mattress to which she asked a question seemingly thinking that I only brought the mattress over for my own sake.

I repeated myself numerous time that I did not go into the kitchen to tell her off and that I was already in the kitchen (firstly), and secondly that I AGREED WITH HER THAT IT WAS NOT A GOOD TIME TO WASH THE MATTRESS. I was in agreement with her! She was not listening, and simply assuming that I was against her, and I don't know how she even thought I was 'telling her off'. I had to remind her a few times before she heard me that I AGREED WITH HER!

And then she said that after things have cooled off between her and my father, I had to walk out of the kitchen to continue telling her off saying that I should not have brought the mattress over and cause this tension to arise. I did say that, but then things were not 'cooled off as she said'. She was still scolding my father and I couldn't help jumping to his defense by commenting that this whole mattress came at the wrong time. She told me that my dad is always telling her off when we are not around and never agrees to what she wants, even if it has nothing to do with him. I told her that he never told her off in front of us because he did not want to cause her disrespect by doing that, just like she said I had been being disrespectful towards her in front of Mr Liow causing him to lose all respect for her as well. She remembered that I said all that in the presence of Mr Liow and my brother but again, she was wrong! My bro and Mr Liow were already downstairs carrying the mattress up...

That is the problem with processing thoughts overnight and not settling it right on the spot.

Mum cooled off after listening and I assured her that quarrels in the family is common (she keeps feeling envious that her friends have kids who obey every single thing they say. I told her no one else other than people in the family knows what's going on, whether problems they have are big or small ones). Her friends are probably envious of my parents who get to visit us in the States too, isn't it? The grass is always greener in the other pastures...

I have to watch how I speak to her (I can keep my cool with my dad but not with her. It gets on my nerves that she does not listen to me when I speak and respond with something that's off topic or simply what she assumes she's hearing me say. We can agree to disagree, only if she hears what I am actually saying).

And about what happened in Tucson, I reminded her that she was the one who asked me to forget what was past and reminded her that if everyone keeps records of wrongs in the family, the family will break up anytime. We, in the family, sometimes say or do things that are hurtful, we apologise, and if we say we forgive, we do not let it bother us anymore. It's not easy to forget of course, but if we are not willing to let go, we will never be at peace with each other.

She heard me when I also reassured her that Mr Liow and I love her and that she's always on our mind, even as we travel. Things she only has to mention she forgot to get when she came the last time, we would get it on our next trip for her.

She's also worried about being 'in charge' of my confinement. She's never bathed a baby, only AN once in a long while when she was an infant. She's aching in her arms lately and is worried she may drop the baby during morning baths or while carrying him. She's feeling all the stress having to answer to the whole world for this great responsibility that she has to take up. She had no intentions or confidence to be solely in charge of my confinement but Mr Liow's mum kept prompting her to do it saying that she's the other grandma and it would be best that she helps me with confinement instead of anyone else. Mum felt pressured into doing it..

sigh....I told her that if she's not comfortable with it, she should have just told me that. But then I understand how that's happening. MIL is good at 'pressurising' people into doing things, since preparation for our wedding long time ago (when she kept changing dates of our food tasting to suit her sister's timing, for whatever unreasonable reasons... and her suggesting we get married on a day before my brother even returned from his studies in Australia..), till now. One has to be very firm to reject her, something that I have not even learn to do till now, let alone my mum.

I have not asked if she will continue to help me with the confinement but she's been telling me what she has in mind to cook for me after baby pops. I think her main worry is handling the baby. That should not be much of a problem for me since this is the second time. I'm just worried that I might not be able to squat with the pain 'down there' right after delivery and that means I will not be able to bath baby too. We'll see how..The nurses at Mt A did mention that babies in their first month do not perspire so much as to need a bath everyday anyway. Oh, I just remember I have a bathtub with some attachment to bath baby in without fearing that baby will fall into the water! It's in one of our cartons! 

Guess that hour or so of talking did some good. Mum cooled off but had to rest more in the room coz she was having a headache from the whole night of crying. She seems ok yesterday and even talked to Mr Liow. I was glad this episode is over and prays this time of talking covered some existing issues.

Told mum not to walk out or keep quiet the next time something unpleasant happens again, that no one will know what's on her mind unless she tells us.

Phew..