Bad Mummy

I made AN so sad last night she woke up crying in the middle of the night.

AN asked for mem mem last evening and I told her ok but to wait because I had to settle something first. And then ER started crying for milk so I had to give it to him first (I do try to give it to AN first under normal circumstances if she's waited a long time, patiently, and if he's not crying too bad. I dunno what's right to do).

She kept asking and asking to a point I told her that if she asked anymore, I'd have to reject her. She tried to be patient, but then started asking again, and I kept my word, refusing to give her 'mem mem'. She was sad of course, and started crying, but then her cries sounded different. I wondered if I should relent and give it to her, or continue to refuse because I warned her. I do not want her to realise that by crying, she can get me to compromise, but then 'mem mem' is something very personal to both of us. We both enjoy the closeness when she nurses, even up till now. Tough decision to make.

I chose to not give in and that made her cry bitterly. I felt bad inside.

When it was bedtime, I asked her over and told her I will let her suckle because I love her but reminded her that if she will not patiently wait the next time, I will keep my word and refuse to allow her to suckle.

She was more than happy to promise me that she will wait in future, and then things were back to normal.

I thought by making peace, she will be fine and I was wrong :( 

Mr Liow called and told me that AN woke up crying very sadly in the middle of last night (he went over to sleep with her after he was done with some work in the study and by then, I was back in my room with ER). She kept apologising in her sleep and sobbing.

He wondered if she was having nightmares from my rejection hours before that. I thought it might be too, plus the punishments she's been getting lately, and I've been giving her less praises than before. I wondered if she thought I do not love her anymore...Even though she appeared fine during the day, probably her fears return to haunt her at night.

Mum brought AN out for a walk in the afternoon just now and they came back with a nonya kueh which mum jealously told me that AN kept saying she wants to save it for me (mum bought 2, AN shared 1 with mum and said she wants to keep the other one).

My baby loves me...and what do I do? I chose the wrong and worst sort of punishment.

I promise I will not use 'mem mem' as a form of punishment on her. Never again :( 

Bad mummy :(