Things have changed

Dawn mentioned something in her blog post some time ago regarding her kiddos after her 2nd child was born and she struck me hard with those words. How true it is, that AN has not changed, but we have. And our expectations of her has also changed.

Once upon a time, she could sing s loudly and she liked, played on her drum or musical instruments anytime of the day, paint or mould with playdoh whenever she felt like it. She would always wake up with me by her side, and we even had time to make brownies and mess the kitchen up. We laughed at the mess and it was fun.

Nw, we have to do everything with ER in consideration. Will she wake him up or fall on him? Will I have time to clear up the mess? Will I hv time to stay by her side so she wakes up with me in her sight?

She's still herself and wonders why things are no longer the way they used to be. And she has to learn to accept changes.

Not easy for a 3 yrs old. She loves her brother to bits (she willingly stops her own nursing and tells me ER must be hungry, or goes talk to him whenever I'm busy and he cries. Not forgetting the toys she shares with him and how she will watch out for dangerous things that may happen to him, for e.g. if his blanket covers part of his face or if he has his fist on his nose). This is a blessing that I am not taking for granted. I remember how I used to hate having to do things that will not affect my brother as a kid.

But she has been punished many times for remaining the same or not being able to adapt to changes as we had hoped for.

I'd feel terribly guilty at the end of the day for punishing her but then same things happen the following day and she gets punished again.

I watch how she's becoming increasingly defensive and she's learning to glare at me the way I glare at her when I'm angry...

I love her. I could never figure out how mum could punish us in the past and tell us that it made her sad when she had to. Now I can fully understand. Coz many times now, I am overcome by anger and lose my sanity. Punishment was mete out not according to how seriously ill-behaved she had been, but how angry I was with that thing she did.

It's harder to tell myself to choose the right thing to do, than I used to think.

Like yesterday (as with most afternoons lately), she woke up screaming at the top of her voice because I wasn't with her when she woke up. She woke ER up but didn't stop when she heard him crying. My dad carried ER out of the room while she continued. I waited for her to calm down but she didn't. The more I waited, the louder she screamed. It came to a point when my blood boiled to max and I went into the room to smack her on her palm, many times, and very hard. So hard my own palm throbbed in pain.

I had the angel telling me to go in and speak to her gently and the devil instigating me to go in to smack her. I listened to the devil. I can still recall the fear in her eyes as I raised my voice at her and smacked her palm..... :(

I must be the worst mum ever...

Both Mr Liow and I think she's trying to behave but being a 3 yrs old, she also has a mind of her own. Things she wants to make decisions over, she wonders why we want to interfere.

I've learnt some lessons as a mum now with so many decisions to make day in and day out: As society changes, as time changes, as things change, one thing can never change. Love will never change. I love Baileys, our first'born', Maen the silly cow, AN the human first'born' and even ER now whom I wondered will take me how long to fall in love with.

If only things can fall in places perfectly, how nice.....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5