My imperfect Angel

Had been having issues with AN: her being painfully slow at eating, her eating too little, her decisions to do things I said she was not to do, her behaving angry (my fault. She learnt that from me). As of now, these are her worst behaviours.

But I do believe her when she tells me: "Mummy, I'm trying to be a good girl." When she tells me that, its usually as an apology for disobedience. I'm a cruel mummy though. I tell her I don't believe her (even tho I do) because she does the same naughty things after saying sorry. This makes her sad. I badly need self control to stop using such negative attitude and words with her.

I am thankful that those words have not taken effect in her yet. The more negative I am, the more she will not grow up being truly loved and loving. I badly need to give myself time out for being a worse offender...she makes mistakes coz she's still learning but I make mistakes that I AM AWARE I should not be making :( Someday, she will be convinced that my love for her comes with conditions and that is NOT true.

I'm put to shame when I see her silent efforts at "trying to be a good girl". She's increasingly frightened of monsters lately and stays very close to me during bedtime. But coz I need to nurse ER to sleep, I have my back to her most of the time, till she falls asleep.

She'll often plead: "Mummy, can you turn to me?" I'd tell her that I can only turn to her after ER falls asleep. So now, she'll ask: "Mummy, can you turn to me after he falls asleep?" I'll put my hand over her as she snuggles close. Still, by the time I turn to her, she will hv fallen asleep.

And since she hardly gets to hv me turn to her before she falls asleep, she's started asking that I pray for her now. So, we do that. I'm telling her the same thing each night, that our Lord Jesus is bigger than monsters and when we pray, the monsters run away. She didn't want to pray a while ago but after I told her if she doesn't speak to Jesus, he can't hear her, said her own prayers aloud while I prayed for her. I heard her thanking the Lord for everything she has! Sweet :)

She went quiet right after "amen". Must be really sleepy. I turned to her and guess what I saw? She placed her Hello Kitty stuffed toy right in front of her face, as if Hello Kitty is watching her sleep!

She's also started wearing my t-shirt to sleep and when Mr Liow asked her, she replied that she wanted to smell me. How to not love her?

At times like these, I feel soooo guilty. If only we didn't have ER, she'll not need to wait for me. She's been such a sweet sister to him, always willingly waiting for him to be pacified before she gets what she asks for.

I'm really really blessed.

For this new year, I want to be good. I want my actions to assure AN of my love more than words.