Tired and Grumpy Ole Me

AN has recovered from her blocked nose and I thought ER had too but he's starting to cough since 2 days ago. It's worse at night.

Because of that, he's waking up every hr or so in discomfort but I am thankful nursing helps calm him down. Usually in the morning after AN leaves with Mr Liow (abt 7.30am), I'll start doing some housework (be that cleaning, laundry) so that by 11am, I can wake ER up for a bath before going to fetch AN.

For the past 3 wks since school started, 2 wks since they caught the mucus bug (I wonder if ER is still fighting the same one, or something different), sleep had been even more scarce than before. I tried to catch up on more sleep by going back to bed after AN left for school, ignoring housework a bit.But because ER kept waking up, I couldn't really rest too.

And so, having not enough sleep, watching housework pile up, and having not planned well to complete tasks, I'm increasingly touchy, even over tiny matters.

We came home from my parents' plc few hours ago and I tried to ignore the pee stains on the floor (I just tried to not look down). But as I walked about, I saw the overflowing laundry basket (I washed a batch just yesterday and to be sure they dry thoroughly, I can only bring them down 2 days after washing, which is tomorrow), I saw long dued bedsheets to be changed, I saw dust collected over the week as a result of my "no-housekeeping" coz I was at my parents' place during weekdays and out on both days of the weekend.

What set it off was bread crumbs that AN dropped on the bed. I tried to be less strict and allowed her to eat in the room (partly also coz I was really tired and just wanted to lie down a bit.) I shouldn't have allowed her to. She innocently became my target of frustration.

I got grumpy and started clearing up. Since I've powered up the Delphin, I might as well vacuum the whole house. Mr Liow upon noticing that AN is taking forever to finish her London Choco Roll, asked her to put the whole piece of whatever is left, in her mouth. She did, coz she knew mummy was upset about the crumbs already. It was too large a piece for her to swallow and she ended up spitting it out. That added on to my already foul mood.

sigh....

AN can be sensitive at times like these. She apologised to me after a while, for dropping crumbs and then spitting out her food. In the first place, it was my fault that this happened. If I hadn't suggested she eat in the room, if I could just push myself a little more to sit with her at the dining table, these won't have happened.

She noticed my still-grumpy face while I was helping her at the toilet and asked: "Mummy, are you still angry? Why are you still angry? I said sorry already. I'm sorry mum." And started telling me that she loves me.

I knew I was still feeling grumpy, over nothing in particular by then. I couldn't help it.

Sms-ed Mr Liow while I was lying with the kids in their room to just share how I feel. I wasn't angry at anyone. I just felt grumpy, foul and very touchy.

Mr Liow was so sweet. He suggested that he forgo the Wed dinner with colleagues to stay home to help me. The dinner doesn't affect the situation much. I badly need self control to bring about change!

He got up a little earlier than usual to help me clear up BM's mess in the toilet too.

AN, too, assured me that she will try her best to not make me angry.

Lord, please grant me self control. Please give me the ability to pause before reacting to situations and the ability to choose a positive response so that I bring joy and cheer into the family instead of anger and impatience. I fail in this all the time because I can't do it on my own. But I can do it through you who gives me the strength to.