The End

I have enough.

There are people who are truly concerned and I am thankful. An anonymous reader dropped me a comment which I've not published but I appreciate your frankness.

No I do not want to be unfair to Baileys and Maen. Yes I did and do love them. But no, no longer how I would have.

Long ago, when I was expecting AN and visited a friend who had only given birth, I saw their dog, a maltese with seriously matted fur, tied up outside their house (a landed). At that point, I did suggest to them, to have the dog put up for adoption. Which is more irresponsible? To leave the dog there or to find him a better family? Everyone will poll differently but I gave the irresponsible suggestion of having the dog given up for adoption. They had no time for the dog. But my friend's dad wouldn't give him up. He couldn't bear to. It's been 4 years now. And the dog is still there, tied up, with badly matted fur and bad skin condition. The dad still wouldn't give him up. Still can't bear to.

Fast forward back to 4 years ago, I wondered if I'd ever neglect Baileys and Maen at that point. I tried my very best not to have that happen. Were they important to me? Of course. When I felt tremors (AN was only 4-5 mths old then), I took the furkids with me and AN. They couldn't walk down stairs then, so we took the lift. Many people who cared not for dogs would have suggested "take the stairs! wait till the lift breaks down. See how you will have to die with your baby because of 2 dogs."

They still were important when we had to come up with a plan to bring them with us to the States. We settled for less (long flight on UA when we could have gone on SQ and not forgetting, Mr Liow has slip disc. SQ would have been of more comfort.), and we even travelled separately because the last domestic flight took only 1 dog. So I took AN and Maen. And then we returned by EVAir 2 years later (again, putting Mr Liow in a plane with little place to stretch and praying hard his slipdisc problems do not surface). We did not even go for the Japan getaway that Mr Liow had been talking about since we knew we would have 2 years in AZ. He wanted to stay longer in Japan when it's time to return to Singapore since SQ transits at Narita airport. But he did not get to do that, because we had to settle the furkids.

Mr Liow did not complain, and I silently appreciate all that he had been putting up with. He'll do as much for us as I need him to. Do I want to push him to a point where he has to sleep in the kitchen for Baileys and Maen, or even AN or ER? He's my hubby. If I have to give even the children up for him, I will.

Have I not tried? Even up till this point, I still am trying. Have I not gotten help? My part time domestic helper gave up on us coz she hates the "dog fur everywhere". But seriously, she wasn't of much help coz the pee stains and fur come back immediately after the floor gets cleaned. She just does SOME work for me.

Everyone has to sacrifice something for another. B used to be my baby, then Maen came, then AN came. When one younger than the other, one needy-er, joins the family, the others have to sacrifice and bear with less attention. The one whom I love most was the one I sacrificed most. Mr Liow had many plans since we got married but I suggested shelving them till later (which then never happened) since we had the furkids.

I could handle 2 dogs and a baby. Never would I have expected myself not to be able to handle a preschooler, 2 dogs and a baby. Really, I never expected things to be this different.

By order of sequence, my kids should go first because they were the ones who disrupted my life. Read this again, will any mum do this to their children, to consider giving them up instead of the dogs (for calling BM dogs, I can expect more one-liner hypocritism)? Tell me if any of your mums did this to you.

Maintaining a public journal is as good as putting myself and my family under the scrutiny of many people who do not know me, and those I do not know.

I have kept journals for as long as I can write. I wonder how many people get judged for their thoughts.

Many bloggers frankly proclaim that they will only write happy posts. Just so happen that silly me write everything I feel, good and bad, happy and sad thoughts. Is that my blindspot, that I'm emotionally unstable? Because I didn't know other humans never had negative periods. Or do I share more than my readers can take?

I do know that I AM extremely susceptible to emotional breakdowns, more so as a mum now. One way of preventing it from turning mental, is to write. I keep writing. I had been keeping journals since I learnt to write. That would be since my primary school days when all I knew was simple English.

I am not apt at expressing myself verbally. And I do not want to burden friends with too much sob stories when they ask a simple question of : "Hey! How are things?"

From here, they read, they know. And of course, along with sob stories, things that cheer me up. Things that make or break me. Things that I am made up of.

But I will no longer write for people who are not truly interested to know what's happening in my life, how I age and my thought patterns as I move on in years, through different parts of my life. And I will not write for people who have somewhat, expected something about me that have only served to disappoint. Because I and you, we're different.

Leave me your email in my comment box if you can accept that I will not meet your expectations and I will do something so you can still follow me on my journey. My life journal will continue elsewhere in blogger, this time more private.

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