Inspired thoughts

Read the blog of 2 of my buddies who are going through similar stages as I am now, and I feel overwhelmed by the many emotions as I learn to let go of AN little by little..

She's starting to enjoy school. At this point in time, being in school for only 4 days, she probably is still enjoying herself coz everything is new to her. I was expecting her to not take school as well as she is taking but I'm blessed that school seems like a 2nd home to her. she wakes up in the morning, lazy and sleepy. But when she's more awake, she thinks nothing of leaving my side as I dress her up for school. With a hug and a kiss, she leaves me happily.

I don't know how it's going to be like today. I had wanted to go over but it started raining heavily and I didn't want to subject ER to the weather, I had to stay home. I'm going to break my promise to her when I told her this morning that I'll be there to get her at 1.30pm. I pray she'll not be disappointed when she doesn't see me. My parents will go get her and unless she asks for me, mum will try get her to take her nap before bringing her back to me. We'll see how the weather's like before deciding.

She was not really well behaved at my parents' place yesterday. She asked for something that didn't exist and when told that we do not have that, she kept insisting that she wanted it. That was already trying my patience but I swallowed it and calmly told her that it didn't exist. Not there and then. My dad managed to dig something out according to her description and she accepted it (what my dad brought her wasn't something she's ever seen or played with before). I asked her to thank grandpa but she not only refused, she looked away and ignored me. I repeated myself a few more times, giving her the benefit of doubt that she probably didn't hear me and each time I repeated myself, I got louder. She continued to ignore me.

I got upset and reprimanded her. She continued to ignore me!! I told her to go away from me since she's not going to listen to me anymore. She did as told. -______-" She then started crying when I ignored her as well. I reminded her that she was supposed to thank grandpa for getting her something and for being stubborn, she was supposed to apologise.

She didn't.

I don't know for how long but she gradually stopped crying and starting playing with my mum. All while I was still fuming. I can't stop fuming and I don't know why! Mum then asked her to apologise to me but I couldn't bring myself to forgive her, yet. Mum cut an apple up and asked her to give me some. I continued to ignore her and she sadly ran back to popo telling her: "Mummy is still angry with me."

I kept telling myself to forget what happened earlier. It was not super terrible thing she did that I should get THAT upset (she did not thank my dad, that was all. Ok, she also threw tanthrums when not given what she wanted, and she ignored me when I spoke to her). But I couldn't make myself move to hug her and make peace that soon. Finally I did, and things were back to normal.

She actually obeyed me when I ask her to not come to me (since she thinks she didn't need me anymore). But when she apologised, I didn't accept it. Judy, please take note!

She's either becoming increasingly independant now, or fearful of me when I am angry. She doesn't come cling onto me crying and apologising now (because I ignored her too much?)

I'm missing my needy baby :( I actually miss her neediness!

Hugged her pillow and sniffed it hard this morning. I'm not used to not having her by my side when I lie down (back to nursing ER to sleep). I'm not used to not hearing her tell me: "Mummy, can you turn to me?" I'm not used to not having her stick to my back while we sleep. I'm not used to not feeling her presence near me! I think she's better at overcoming separation anxiety than I am.

And she just called from my mum's home. Mum had just gone to pick her up. I asked if she missed me. She said no and added: "I didn't cry today." She sounded happy. Told her I missed her and hugged her pillow as I nursed ER just now and she giggled. She said she will hug her pillow when she comes back later. Mum asked the teacher how things went this morning and the teacher said she was very well behaved. And she ate. Mum made lunch and AN wanted some. Mum's going to feed her.

Maybe I should not be in the picture all the time. I can't be with her every moment in her life.. She probably anticipates certain expectations I have of her and fears that she may not be able to meet my expectations. And she behaves unlike herself coz of that fear. I don't know.

Another mental note to myself: how I behave will affect how AN grows up. She's not the blur toddler anymore. She's a preschooler who watches and learns, listens and understands. Everything I say and do will result in a behaviour. Whether or not that behaviour is acceptable to me in return, it's got lots to do with myself!

I can't control who she learns from (people and family she comes in contact with) but my respond will largely affect her in how she responds to people as she grow up.

Dear Lord, please give me self control and the wisdom to be a good model for AN to follow. Whether or not I'm showing positiveness, she's going to learn. Lord, help me to display positiveness.

Teach me to be like you.