Day 21: Search for a School, CJ's mum's wake, weaning update

Uh-oh!!!!

I just called Paya Lebar Methodist Church to enquire about their nursery classes and places are all TAKEN!!! F.U.L.L! We're more than 10 behind on waiting list. And I was still taking my time to find out about schools for AN.

Next up on my list is Sengkang Methodist's nursery classes. The person in charge will only be back tomorrow so I won't be able to know it AN will get a place by then. From the looks of it, I don't think so.

We are hoping to place AN in PLMC as first choice coz we're serving there. Am praying for an opening somehow. Else I'm going to be a very KS mum next year and enroll her as soon as registration starts for Kindergarten. It will be best for sure, if she can start with nursery there. It's going to be easier transiting into Kindergarten the following year with less changes.

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We went to attend auntie's wake in the evening. Knowing how superstitious my mum is, we decided not to let her know we were going for that. My dad knew and was open about it, and he also reminded us to keep it from mum.

Thank God for a saved soul. Auntie looked so different from our last gathering 2 yrs ago. She lost so much weight. I wouldn't be able to recognize her on my own. Finally her battle with pain is over. CJ did mention they had already been prepared for this day and he's relieved that she's no longer suffering.

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AN is such a darling today! She sat through the few hours we were there. She pleaded to go home after about 2 hrs but did not fuss. We spent almost 4 hrs at the wake and AN kept herself busy snacking on peanuts and melon seeds.

Once in the car, she asked me: "Mummy, I cannot have mem mem at night anymore right?" I said yes and she did not argue or bargain with me. Usually if we were out till this late, she would naturally ask to nurse and fall asleep in the car. Not this night. I was so pleased with her willingness to accept reality and told her I love her so much I can still hug her. She returned my hug for a while before pushing me away and then told me: "Mummy I want to look out of the window."

once home, she had milk, spent a short while colouring and then went to sleep on her own. No more bargaining for 10secs more like past few nights! It is so amazing how calm she is tonight! I pray she will sleep well without waking up to nurse tonight and that this is the start of the end of her night feeds.

I know I am already missing her so close to me. My baby us growing up, and I can't stop her. I am thankful for the 3 over years of privilege to give as much as I can to my baby girl. Now it's time I concentrate on my boy like I used to concentrate on AN. There are other aspects of AN's life now, more than nursing and night feeds.

Life is amazing. Fragile, but amazing...

Day 20: House Hunting

Before I sounded my father out about his willingness to shift with us, the guys (Andy & Mr Liow) had already made an appointment with an agent to see a clusterhouse in the afternoon today. Since the appointment had been made, we went ahead with house viewing despite chances of shifting being almost zero now. We can't afford to get a cluster house on our own without having to sacrifice a comfortable spending pattern we have always enjoyed, plus we certainly do not need a 4 storey terrace with 5 rooms for our family of 2 with 2 young kids. Cleaning alone is going to kill me. Bro will not be able to share half the cost with us as well if our father isn't willing to sell the flat either.

Still, house viewing is gratifying. Each time we step into a showflat, we get all excited and start counting how much we can afford to squeeze ourselves (till dry), to get a beautiful apartment with that sort of facilities and tenure (if we seriously are thinking of profitting from future sale).

We saw The Waterline at Serangoon (or Kovan. Can't remember coz we just so happened noticed the showflat while driving around. The agent stood us up for the 1pm appointment.). They were showing their larger unit and boy was it impressive! It got even my brother interested even without funds at that point. Agent says for FH properties, $1000 psf is a steal. Plus it's soft launch now and there are additional discounts for staying within a 3km radius and another 1% less for multiple purchase, there is a total of 12% off which makes the prices even more desirable for a FH property.

But that makes the unit we were drooling over, at least $2M!! Mr Liow is entertaining thoughts of getting a unit about about as big as our HDB now, and that's still slightly over $1.2M. Waterline TOP in 2013 so we can sell our HDB by then and take a (slightly) lower loan.

To me, if my HDB is as tastefully interior decorated as a showflat, I'm more than contented. Hehe. Some of those units come with private pools. How cool is that?? But still, good to have but not something we can't do without.

We left for another viewing, something we originally set out for. We had no appointment for this second unit but managed to find an agent to bring us in. This is $433 psf! *drools at price* and I've not mentioned it's also FH! The pool is right outside beyond the balcony and we could unlatch a door to jump right into it! Again, how cool!!

It's a total of 44xx sft for 3 level + basement so each usable area is effectively smaller than the 2xxx sft Waterline showflat we saw earlier. Plus the original fittings of this terrace house wasn't impressive and workmanship in putting everything together wad shobbily done...

One can expect a budget of another $100k at least, to have it madeover to the standard of Waterline showflat. This still ends up cheaper than Waterline after factoring in the Reno for double the floor area.

But rooms are so small...something I do not like. If we have to shift, I want to have bigger rooms in future. There's too much 'wasted' space in this house (part of the flr area goes to the 'private parking' for 2 cars)

The guys went ahead with the calculation while mum and I watched over AN. This girl happily went declaring to my mum that these were our houses. One of the rooms in wateline was covered in a similar carpet to our ST home in Tucson and she excitedly exclaimed smiling so widely that "this is the carpet we have at home right?" She then started distributing room and said her little brother will sleep in the same room as her (on carpet) till he's old enough to have his own room.

And at the second house with a door that opens to the pool from the balcony, she kept pleading to go swimming...

This girl was totally being very interested. But sorry, my girl, maybe we can afford these standard of living in a few more years, after you grow up.

That was our day. I had fun fantasizing.

But towards end of the day, Mr Liow got an SMS from CJ and it was bad news. His mum passed away. I have no details but I think Mr Liow mentioned that she stopped breathing and the doctor was on the way.

Mr Liow was shaken. The guys used to visit CJ's home often as teenagers and you can say CJ's mum watched them grow up. I joined them after Mr Liow and I started dating. She saw me as a stranger visiting along with Mr Liow, then we got married, and she even carried AN that CHinese New Year before we left Tucson. She had already recovered from cancer then but the evil things came back. We didn't even know she was very ill in the past year till the guys met up 2 weeks ago.

I'm tearing now as I type. All those memories of her during our visits, and her cooking. No matter when we drop by her place, there's always food for us. And she is such a good home manager I never recalled seeing domestic help. Usually there will be help when one stays in a terrace like them. I know I will cry for help if I was her.

We've not had the chance to visit her yet. My memories of her remain at when she was still healthy. CJ mentioned that she was constantly in great pain. This is probably a relief.

I think she's safely with the Lord now. It will be hard for the family from now on, but she is now safe from the pain. Praying that the Lord will comfort the family through this time of separation but we'll see her again.

Day 19: Fruitful Day

Sort of.

We went down to place order for our tiles and shopped for toilet accessories after Mr Liow knocked off from work last evening. He came home quite on time actually but realised his wallet was in the office and had to rush back to PLAB. Rushed back here to meet Edwin at Sengkang MRT but Edwin was still caught up with work at Ponggol. We went there to meet him but he was 40mins late. Mr Liow was a little frustrated by then because he had been rushing here and there, from office back home, from home back to office to get his wallet, from home to Sengkang again, and then to Ponggol, only to have to wait another 40 mins.

He joked that with even with a larger budget for reno this time (as compared to our first time renovating our home), no one would take this job (Edwin was too busy to take it and offered his help out of goodwill and by the time we knew Edwin had no time for us, it was too late to get another ID to come up with designs and plan for things to happen by early Aug). And it is indeed hard for Mr Liow who has no experience at all, to coordinate when he doesn't know who he should be contacting first to do what before what else should happen in a renovation. All that, plus new responsibilities at work..

So anyway, we got the more important things settled (tiles and toilet stuff) and once these items are up, it's almost live-in condition for us. There will only be some carpentry work here and there and I think we are almost done.

We went to check out our pebble wash which had been hidden under the platform at the entrance of our home for 6 years. We were hoping to keep the pebble wash because we still like it that way, provided the stains that have been accumulated over the years can be cleaned off. It appears to me that the stains looks like they are not permanent and will come off with some cleaning (be it professional or with household cleaners) but I can't be sure. The contractor will check tomorrow, if I'm not mistaken, and then let us know.

It was a funny sight when we stepped in the house. All the tiles had been hacked off, including the sink and toilet bowl in our common toilet. AN laughed when she saw the toilet bowl lying lifelessly among the cracked tiles. She commented loudly: "Mummy!! They took out our toilet bowl!" and started laughing.

After leaving our place, we went to expo, supposedly to order the swing and slide door for our shower area but we ended up not getting it because it seemed a little costly and we may get to have something nicer at similar prices. So the shower area is still pending.

Before meeting (part of) the TP gang inthe evening, we aimlessly walked into a condo showflat to take a look. The units are too small to attract us, and prices now are definitely above our comfort level to pay off, especially now when there's another tummy to fill.

And the investment plan between bro and Mr Liow is likely to not work out this time because dad is not keen to sell their home. I understand his concern: at this old age, having his own home is a security. Even my MIL is reluctant to sell her home despite being loaded for the same reasons: security (in case she needs somewhere to escape to, there's always home).

So, we can continue to have what we want in Fernvale without wondering if we're actually doing a potential new owner a favour by doing everything up nicely for them. I love our Fernvale home and can stay there forever, once it's clean and nice again.

It was a nice time catching up with part of the gang! We felt like we have never left. This is our family. The kids are all grown up and the new addition, Darius is soooooo cute!! It'd amazing how 'filial' Phillip is to his darling Darius. I thought it's usually 'daddy's girl', but in this case, it's 'daddy's boy'.

AN is again, the lightest, bEing even lighter than Darius who is slightly over 1 yr old

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It was late by the time we finished dinner, so the ladies went home with the kids while the guys continued to chill out with their soccer match.

Looking forward to meeting them and the rest of the gang again.

Time to change my disciplinary tactics

It's been time out for a year and seems to have worked but as AN grows older, she becomes more stubborn. As she becomes more stubborn, she's also becoming increasingly rude and is lately starting to get slightly physical by sweeping or slapping things or hands away from her when she doesn't like the attention.

As I lay down now, I wonder what I've been doing wrong to seem to have made her even more I'll disciplined than she was at 2 yrs old.

I'm glad I came across an article (let's see if I can find it again) that suggests that if time out does not work on a 3 years old anymore, it may be time to change tactics. At this age, they are able to reason and what worked in the past may not work anymore. The article suggested that at this age, they observe and imitate. I guess her behaviour now is pure reflection of myself as I discipline her.

I hardly hit her but I did 2 days ago when she was extremely stubborn and when I hit her, she daringly told me: "I don't like mummy to hit me!" I smacked her thigh once for each time she told me that. I told her I had to smack her because she does not listen to me anymore and she replied that she heard me but just did not want to do it my way. Discipline time is now debate time with her insisting that she is not in the wrong.

At this point, I guess, punishment is no longer a good way to discipline her.

From now on, I'm going to try listen to her more and tolerate her nonsense (to see if she had been mirroring my reaction when she misbehaves). I'll try positive parenting. Try searching online and reading books and you'll find all sorts of conflicting solutions to bringing up a child, and one tactic may work for a while but not forever!

I hope to be more cheerful than firm this time round (some parenting guides tell u that u have to show the kid who is in charge, some tells u that u are a friend, some tells you that you are like a coach to guide and not to discipline). I'm desperate. If one doesn't work anymore, then forget it.

Let's see, maybe instead of time out, I'll try going into a room together with her to listen to what she has to say for misbehaving. Maybe I'll tell her where she went wrong patiently instead of firmly, whether or not she is willing to acknowledge that she hears me instead of firmly insisting that she replies me if she understands me.

I feel very terrible each time I recall how I seem to be traumatizing her. To me, it's discipline but to her, it may be that mummy's overpowering her. For a child, I wonder if I terrified her so much she had to protect herself by being defiant..

I want her to know that I love her...I'll take a different approach tomorrow..

Update about her weaning off night nursing:
She had her suckles in the afternoon for short periods and I reminded that there will be no mem mem for nights anymore.

She agreed but as hours passed, she pleaded with me that she wants mem mem still.

At midnight, she tried to not sleep (like past 2 days) and told me she wanted to drink something, and then she wanted to "colour something". Just when I brought 2 books out to read to her, she said she was sleepy (it was way past her bedtime, so she has to be sleepy)

We struck a deal: 10 secs on each side. She kept her promise and did not ask for anything else. I wanted to stroke her back to sleepy but she angrily refused to let me do it. Minutes later, she angrily said: "Go away. I don't want you." She was facing away from me so I am not too sure if she was sleep-talking or talking to her bolster which is probably in her way..

This "I don't want you" concerns me because I'm worried she will turn into an unloving and unhappy child.

I am going to change how I discipline her. Will do anything to help AN recognize that we love her despite her tantrums.

Breakdancing foetus

Our boy has been breakdancing whole night long in my belly...

One kick here, one bump there. There had been a few movements so intense that I actually jumped along with him, while lying down sleeping last night.

AN instinctively comes hug and kiss my belly whenever I flip my t-shirt up a little, and she 'plays' with him when she feels him move as she hugs my belly.

Feels good, and I pray AN will be a good elder sister like she appears to be now.

Seems like this boy is really going to be more active than AN is.

Day 18: more changes for my poor baby

She was aware I'm firm about reducing night nursing time and asked for all sorts of things to do before she goes to sleep. From 9pm, we went into the room. She asked for stories one after another, asked to do her 'homework' (some kumon workbooks that I got for her and she loved them: mazes, tracing, join the dots etc), asked for bread and then milk ..finally near midnight again this time, she felt sleepy.

There was less whining to suckle this time. I allowed her 10 secs on each side and let her count. She usually lets go before 10 secs is up. She sobbed a little after her '20 secs' and curled into my arms to rest. I sang her some songs, took about half hour and she was asleep. Not much fuss this time.

The first night of 'no mem mem' she couldn't sleep well. There were tantrum fits in the middle of her sleep (with her eyes shut...) and cries telling me: "I don't want to sleep by myself!".

Last night was fairly manageable. She woke up and dreamily pleaded for it. I gave but limited her to 10 secs each time. She would let me count, let go at 10, and then continue sleeping by herself. She still needs me by her side though. Will work on that after she's not too needy about nursing.

I'm happy to see that AN has all the attention she can get from my parents and bro. Take a little load off me at times when she's willing to leav my side. But when there are so many people around, it's hard to discipline her.

My mum is one big distraction. She nags when I discipline AN but when AN is rude to her, she grumpily scolds AN. When I'm pointing out AN's bad behaviour to her, mum will be interrupting at a side, asking AN to "look at what's on TV!" She thinks I need not be so strict with AN but then gets upset when AN misbEhaves.

Does she think well-behaved children fall from the sky?? She keeps comparing AN with my cousin's daughter when the girl was younger, how the girl would follow mum around and was well mannered. The last I met the girl, she was aloof and rude to her domestic helper. Each child goes through different stages of growing up, so I will not comment on how her parents discipline her. Moreover I am up to my neck disciplining mine now, it's no business of mine how others discipline theirs.

My point is, see a mistake, correct it on the spot. See a behaviour deserving of praise, praise her. Mum keeps distracting AN when I'm trying to correct her bad behaviour and keeps talking and talking when AN is in the midst of telling me something. It's no wonder AN is not very patient with her (AN goes: "I'm still talking!Keep quiet!", which sounded rude, so I have to correct her tone, and to which mum is obviously not aware of and continues talking to AN despite tension arising. Mum has poor SA.)

Told mum that kids probably enjoy their grandparents better if they do not stay together. Kids act up in front of people they are familiar with, most of the time, right? Mum thinks otherwise, and says she visits my cousin very often. How often? 3-4times a week? How does that compare to living together?

AN enjoyed my MIL's company whenever we met (on 2 separate days so far since coming back) but wasn't keen to let MIL help her with anything anyway. Different kids, different behaviour. Plus I've already noticed the trend that mum hasn't noticed and wouldn't acknowledge when I point it out to her.

So whenever AN is rude to her, she goes: "U want to go playground?" does that teach AN that her behaviour was rude? It doesn't link at all!! She only goes "yes!!" at the mention of the playground, and then continues to be rude again the next time.

Mr Liow and bro has plans to move in together in a bigger house for investment purposes. I have my reservations because I am unable to teach my children under the persistent interference from my mum. But I agree to the arrangement because I feel it's time I do my part as a daughter, to give them a better life now that it's possible, and we can take turns to care for my parents so my brother doesnt have to bear the whole load.

This conflict of disciplining is affecting me and I am trying to tolerate it till our Reno is done and we shift home. I will have nowhere to hide should the arrangement become reality.

I am confused...I want to take care of my parents but I want the freedom to be a mother to my kids as well. Now mum tries to dictate what I feed AN, how I discipline AN, where I bring AN, and what time AN sleeps or wakes up (coming into the room to check on AN and AN IS A LIGHT SLEEPER!!!!!)

I've talked to her about not interferring when AN is being disciplined and we've had some tensions since (thank God she's not in one of those walk-out-on-the-family moods lately). I hate it that when I'm already boiling from disciplining a misbehaving kid, and my mum has to add on to my temper by banging the door at me for disciplining my own child...

I can hide for as long as a year. After that, these issues will come back again. I pray for wisdom and even more patience now, to handle cranky kids and my aging mum...

Thank God my dad is a good listener. He listens, anD understands. I appreciate my dad for being a man of few words, with impressive patience (he can tolerate my mum for longer than bro and I before exploding). AN goes hug him on her own accord but not my mum, something that mum's ego is bruised over (coz most kids who visit, like mum better than my dad).

I pray for wisdom to handle these relationships, and I pray that the Lord will lead us in the right way. Given a choice, I don't want the profits from whatever investments the guys are planning for... I really just want peace and a happy family...

Day 17:

I tried coaxing AN to sleep on her own last night without nursing. She did not cry for hours like the last time I tried to wean her, but it was not easy at all. She tossed and turned and was an angry little girl. She pleaded with me for jus 10 secs more, and another 10 scs more. She ended up with 10 secs for the first time and then asked to have bread with peanut butter, at midnight.

I gave her a slice and she knew she will have to sleep by herself again once she finished, so she asked for 'gummy bears' (her vits). She cried when I insisted gummies are for daytime and kept nagging for "mem mem". I gave her 10 secs on each side and refused to give in to more pleas after that.

She finally fell asleep at 1+ am after sobbing. The night wasn't peaceful. She kept having bad dreams and crying in her sleep saying: "I don't want to sleep by myself..." and she would kick the air in defiance.

When she nursed, nights were usually peaceful. She didn't wake up so often and even if she did, she would fall back into a deep sleep after I unlatched her over few seconds of suckling.

The violent kicking was frankly quite irritating. She whined and kicked but her eyes were shut. It's hard for her to kick this habit of nursing to sleep and I hope she will get used to it soon.

Was just telling Mr Liow that I've heard of many kids who dislike the taste of colostrum and self weans. AN is exactly the opposite! She seems even happier that there's colostrum now

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For the whole night, she got minimum suckling (I still gave..cold turkey felt a little cruel for a 3 yr old child).

Come to think of it, I am quite glad she tries to cooperate. She's been swallowing her Klacid since yesterday morning even though she nags about its yuckiness. For her latest dose (this morning), she did not cry and stuggled only very little, then she opened her mouth for Klacid, swallowed it, sipped water and finished the rest of the 3 mls before gulping water to clear the taste. Was so proud of her. I'm sure it tastes disgusting because it wasn't totally liquid. There were undissolved granules in thick white paste-like liquid. One can easily gag on a texture like that..

It's naptime now. She refused to sleep and I thought she wasn't tired. I was wrong. When she finally turned to tell me that she IS sleepy, her eyes were lifeless (hehe). She pleaded: "But mummy, I don't want to sleep by myself..." So, she was not refusing sleep because she was not sleepy. She was trying to delay the unpleasant 'no-more-mem-mem' rest. Poor baby...I gave in and made her promise that she will try to sleep without 'mem mem' tonight.

Oh yes, while sitting with AN just now, I saw my furkids playing. Seems like soooooo long ago that I last watched them play. It still makes me smile watching Maen raise her butt and Baileys dashing towards her to push her over. They end up smelling each other for a while, gave a couple of licks on each other's mouths and noses and continue running towards and from each other.

They make me happy. They really do. I have neglected them so much but they patiently wait. Every tiny bit of attention we give them seems to make them sooo happy. This is unconditional attention and love.. I wish I have more time for them but with the coming new baby, they will probably have to wait another year for me again, before they can have more of my attention. Meanwhile, I pray that AN will be a good elder sister to her little brother, and a good told model for her little brother to learn the right way to play with BM without hurting them. I pray BM will enjoy even more attention with more kids now, and that this new found attention will not cause them their lives. Hehe.