My imperfect Angel

Had been having issues with AN: her being painfully slow at eating, her eating too little, her decisions to do things I said she was not to do, her behaving angry (my fault. She learnt that from me). As of now, these are her worst behaviours.

But I do believe her when she tells me: "Mummy, I'm trying to be a good girl." When she tells me that, its usually as an apology for disobedience. I'm a cruel mummy though. I tell her I don't believe her (even tho I do) because she does the same naughty things after saying sorry. This makes her sad. I badly need self control to stop using such negative attitude and words with her.

I am thankful that those words have not taken effect in her yet. The more negative I am, the more she will not grow up being truly loved and loving. I badly need to give myself time out for being a worse offender...she makes mistakes coz she's still learning but I make mistakes that I AM AWARE I should not be making :( Someday, she will be convinced that my love for her comes with conditions and that is NOT true.

I'm put to shame when I see her silent efforts at "trying to be a good girl". She's increasingly frightened of monsters lately and stays very close to me during bedtime. But coz I need to nurse ER to sleep, I have my back to her most of the time, till she falls asleep.

She'll often plead: "Mummy, can you turn to me?" I'd tell her that I can only turn to her after ER falls asleep. So now, she'll ask: "Mummy, can you turn to me after he falls asleep?" I'll put my hand over her as she snuggles close. Still, by the time I turn to her, she will hv fallen asleep.

And since she hardly gets to hv me turn to her before she falls asleep, she's started asking that I pray for her now. So, we do that. I'm telling her the same thing each night, that our Lord Jesus is bigger than monsters and when we pray, the monsters run away. She didn't want to pray a while ago but after I told her if she doesn't speak to Jesus, he can't hear her, said her own prayers aloud while I prayed for her. I heard her thanking the Lord for everything she has! Sweet :)

She went quiet right after "amen". Must be really sleepy. I turned to her and guess what I saw? She placed her Hello Kitty stuffed toy right in front of her face, as if Hello Kitty is watching her sleep!

She's also started wearing my t-shirt to sleep and when Mr Liow asked her, she replied that she wanted to smell me. How to not love her?

At times like these, I feel soooo guilty. If only we didn't have ER, she'll not need to wait for me. She's been such a sweet sister to him, always willingly waiting for him to be pacified before she gets what she asks for.

I'm really really blessed.

For this new year, I want to be good. I want my actions to assure AN of my love more than words.

"Mummy go work, Daddy relax at home"

Mr Liow was joking with AN about something and causally made this statement which I happened to overhear.

And so I asked him to define 'relax'.

He smiled sheepishly and hurriedly tried to convince me that it was just a joke.

I know, but it's not very funny.

When he gets to watch TV, surf the net or play games on Wii while our infant hangs from my breast, am I relaxing? While he gets gets proper sleep at night and I get woken up by ER, am I relaxing? When his duties end by Fri evening and mine continues through the weekend, am I relaxing? When he has days of peaceful lunch (occasionally, coz he's mostly too bz to eat), I'll be at war with fussy-eating AN. Not relaxing at all. When there are things to do every second of the day, it's not relaxing.

Not many people see home-makers as workers, and I've had many people envious of my 'tai tai' status. Too many times, people tell me: "I wish I'm like you, don't have to work."

Maybe neatness at home, kids get fed, appointments get made and met, AN learning to read and write, laundry gets washed, bills get paid Etc., these all happened by magic!

I'm not upset though, and not complaining either. Sure, situations do get on my nerves many times but I am actually happier slogging my life away on my loved ones than an employer unrelated to me.

Although there are times I wish I can run away from kiddy tantrums (on bad days, the kids take turns to act up and those cries do make one feel depress), take a break from using my hands to using my brains more, dress up and go out without having to worry if the heavy diaper bag is properly re-loaded everytime, meet friends as and when I want, take leave to not do anything for one whole day, to just "relax", and "don't have to work", I will not trade my duties for anything.

I just wonder how it'll be like if "Mummy goes to work and Daddy relax at home."

P.s: MR Liow does try to help when he's at home. This post is not to say that he does nothing to help.

P.p.s: I love "relaxing" at home. This post is not to say I hate what I'm doing now.

Just wondering, why do people mistakenly comment that mums who stay at home do not need to work?

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We went 'part tor' (dating)

MIL made plans to take Mr Liow's nieces out for movies today and decided to take AN along too.

So, with only ER left, Mr Liow took me out on a date. Hehe.

We drove to Vivocity and took the tram into Sentosa, pushing the stroller and carrying ER.

It's Monday today! But Vivocity is as crowded as a weekend. The crowd going in and out of Sentosa was even larger..

Mr Liow regretted not driving in. oh well, we'll just take it as experiencing public transport into Sentosa today.

It's hard to see Universal Studio Singapore and not compare it to the ones in LA and Orlando...

Firstly, ER needed to nurse, so we went in search of a nursing room. Guess what, there is one, BUT its simply a small room with 4 walls, poor ventilation, loud (pop) music and no seats, no furnitures. It was a small empty room!

Having no other options (unless I want to nurse ER under the hot sun), I decided to nurse him in the prison-like room standing up.

For the benefit of those who wonder what's in a typical nursing room, there should at least be a chair to sit on. Everything else (like a mirror to make sure the mums are appropriately dressed before stepping out into the public, a place to put our belongings on, a hand sanitiser or basin to wash our hands before nursing) are bonuses. Oh, and ventilation. This nursing room has enough oxygen for a mum and her infant to stay alive for...maybe 15mins or so.

We walked around after ER was done. Hmm....there wasn't a Universal Studio store outside the theme park (Mr Liow said there is one inside). And the Universal Studio globe wasn't turning. Hmm... It's not fun at all..no music, no happy faces. It's more fun inside, according to Mr Liow. Hehe. Will have to pay it a visit someday!

From the outside, it totally didn't feel like the way leading to Universal.

We left Sentosa after the short walk, did some window shopping at Vivo, then MBS, had dinner, then to fetch AN. She enjoyed herself with the girls as usual. She's been asking to meet her cousins right after the wedding dinner last week.

ER is not exactly easier than AN at this infant stage. Mr Liow agrees too. Guess it's just us who are more experienced now, thus handling an infant is less traumatising.

All 3 of us enjoy ER. Yes, even AN. she'll come tell me excitedly whenever ER starts blabbering to her and she'll shriek: "he's so cute!"

Indeed, he is. AN used to be too (she still is, in a preschooler way). We were just too preoccupied learning the ropes to notice this the first time.

So, ya. We went on a date today and held hands after a long time (maybe not. We did hold hands at Genting when Andy took AN on rides and mum carried a sleeping ER so that we had some 30mins to 'part tor').

Let's see when we'll get to go on another date. Hehe.

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Back and Busy

The trip was good! It was really not an anniversary trip with kids but we enjoyed ourselves nonetheless.

More about the trip in a later post.

We got home in the evening and the moment we stepped out of the lift just outside our home, it didn't smell like good news. We caught scent of Baileys and Maen's faecal mess, when they do make a mess (usually when they have no more space on the paper to pee or poo on coz no one's home to change new papers for them)...MIL had just finished clearing up and mopping the floor clean minutes before we reached home. That explains the odour.

We will need another session of moping tomorrow coz there had been poo all over the tiles outside the toilet and they probably stepped on poop and then all over the house. It takes experience to know exactly how and where to mop when accidents like these happen. And we have to dust the house tomorrow to receive our ministry for Christmas celebration in the evening.

Had just folded clothes I hung up to dry before we left home on Monday, finished with washing the 4th batch of dirty laundry and drying some of the first batch of washed clothes in dryer. Toooo much dirty laundry to do, too little time to wait for them to dry! Its costly to use the dryer but at times like these, the dryer is a life saver!

Domestic matters like these turn me off holidays. Its basically pushing work off and then rushing to complete them in the shortest time possible. How do working mums with no helpers survive after a holiday??

Our dining table is in a huge mess...I'm so tempted to go do some packing up but I'll only be disturbing MIL if I do..

Thank God MIL came to help with BM else ....

Frankly, I truly enjoyed holidays when it was just Mr Liow and I in the past. No furkids, no human kids, no worries...

But then again, when we see how happy AN was at the theme park, that's enjoyment too.

I'm learning to be less particular about housework and mess now. It's seriously not easy...just the thought that the home is not clean enough is already causing me insomnia..

Better sleep now though. The baby will be waking up any minute and I need to conserve some energy for housework part 2 tomorrow.

Good night (or rather, Good morning) to all!

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Tomorrow Genting

Doubt there'll be wifi tomorrow in Genting, so I won't be able to update.

BM will not be boarded this time. MIL is willing to come keep them company. Thankful for that! If given a choice (our parents never would have agreed to help us look after BM in the past. Duno y.), we'd rather not have to board them at all. Everything at home is familiar and truth is, home is still sweetest.

Will leave home early tomorrow. Hope I didn't forget to pack anything important!

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Blessed 6TH to US!

This past weekend had been a busy one.

We should rightfully be having a nice getaway and would have if we do not have the kids in tow, yet. With only 1 in 2007, we still managed to spend our then 3rd year anniversary in Sentosa.

Lots of things are different with a 2nd child now. Maybe coz he's still young? I'm not sure how it's going to improve or if it will when he's older.

So, our 6th anniversary this year (which also happens to be MIL's birthday) was spent, doing grocery shopping for dishwashing detergent and diapers after Mr Liow got his car checked, and before meeting his family to celebrate his mum's b'day together.

And day 2 of our anniversary was busy too. Everyone woke up early for MIL's baptism and right after that, she had to attend the tea ceremony of a relative. Mr Liow drove her there, got us lunch and by the time we were ready for a nap, it was past 4pm.

AN needed this nap coz there was also a wedding dinner. She would not have been able to remain sane without a nap for this long day.

She had only less than an hour's nap, but better than none. We started rushing again the moment she was awake: change her, do my makeup and MIL's, change ER, inventory check the baby bag for necessities etc etc. And then we rushed to the ballroom. Rush, and rush!

It's finally over, our 6th anniversary and this weekend.

Mr Liow had something else planned for, in lieu of this year's anniversary that we had no time for this weekend: it's a trip to Genting from Tues to Thurs!

My mum and Andy will be joining us. I'm looking forward to it.

Dear, thanks for planning this getaway. Happy Anniversary to us. I'm blessed with having you in my life, blessed that I've spent half (almost) of my life with you in it. It's the little things in life that make our marriage whole, and it's these same things that happen which sometimes make me wonder why its so hard for 2 people to live together, even after knowing each other this well.

There are couples who go their separate ways because familiarity breeds contempt. I'm thankful familiarity makes me fall in love with you again.

I pray for many more years and as usual, I will not live longer than you will because I won't be able to go through a single day of my life knowing that you will not be part of it anymore.

Yes, I'm more selfish than those who will choose, if they could, to live longer lives than their other half so that their loved ones need not suffer pain of loss. I don't have that sort of courage.

So, please take good care of yourself ok?

Love you dip dip.

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Yucky cockroaches!

Mum and I had been noticing cockroaches for the past weeks. The first time mum saw one, she wasn't sure if it was a baby cockroach or tick (she's never seen a tick).

The next time she saw it, she wrapped its dead body in a tissue for my inspection. Thank God it was a tiny infant cockroach. There will be one, just ONE crawling from under dining table/chairs each day. mr Liow flipped the chairs over but FOUND nothing though.

This morning, we woke up earlier than usual. It's my MIL's baptism today. But then either B or M peed in the kitchen and the pee flowed along the grouts. The big puddle of pee actually flowed all over the kitchen and under the crates. The sight of that,mess almost made me go crazy...

To clean under the crates, we have to push them aside right? Guess what? When Mr Liow pushed the crates aside, at least 30 tiny cockroaches scrambled out! Arghh! There was pee and cockroaches! Terrible combination...

He wiped every cockroach he could see and every piece of paper towel he used were soaked in pee too.. Ultimate disgusting..

Had wanted to pass to Mark to donate to shelter but just nice Jean's gg to Dallas in May next year so we can pass to her Who knows, the crates were in such a disgusting state...

Nw that the crates are dumped, I hope we won't be finding any more baby cockroaches..

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New job description

Its MIL's baptism tomorrow, and Mr Liow's cousin's wedding dinner tomorrow.

For both occasions, I can't just appear in t-shirt and shorts. So, after returning home from dinner with Mr Liow's family (time was 9plus when I started), I took a while to try out some clothes. Finally found 2 sets (that doesn't make me feel fat) after an hour, put washed clothes onto bamboo poles to dry, did some big business in the toilet, fed ER, etc.

Realised I've not prepared their outfits for tomorrow, took another hour to find 2 dresses for AN to choose from, and clothes for the little boy. Once done, their bag had to be packed too, with snacks, more diapers and wipes for ER, extra clothes in case of 'accidents' etc etc

Before I knew it, it was almost midnight (and ER was still randomly crying for some reasons).

And right before we were to turn in, I remembered that AN probably has outgrown her dress shoes! Got her to try and true enough -_____-"

But...

I got her a few pairs of shoes in different sizes from Piperlime last year, so *phew* she have shoes to put on.

Part of a mum's job includes fashion coordinating and being able to foresee what the kids, now double the duty, will need, now, tomorrow and months later.

And since I don't have foresight, I'm blessed that things fell in place in the end.

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That about mopping

I've forgotten that we used to survive in this same house with floors mopped once a week!

Now floors are mopped everyday, sometimes twice a day.

Had been using steam on the floor for a while but stopped coz I suddenly recalled a friend saying it consumes LOTS of power!

True enough! Our utilities bill this month: $389.xx! For only this month!

*faint*

THE PRICE WE HAVE TO PAY...for what nesting instinct that comes as part of the motherhood package.

I'm back to traditional mop and pail.

One compliment I got (a positive appraisal) from MIL last wkend: "I can't see where the dirt comes from." when I told her it must be dusty somewhere and showed her my feet.
Must have been the rooms which I mop only once each week.

How not to mop everyday when dust and dirt and fur and hair,prevail here, right under our feet, on the tabletops, and in every corner of the house?

Sigh...

I must learn to relax...I must relax...I MUST RELAX!

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New Blog or...not?

I can't post pictures again...maybe I should sign up for another blog? Hehe. Reuse every single design back here. Think about it...

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Petty me

When I started breastfeeding AN more than 3 yrs ago, it wasn't easy. Both our mums didn't think much of breastmilk but thankfully, it was Mr Liow's aunt who helped with my confinement and she let me do what I had to.

It was during weekend when Mil came over that was the struggle. It started with lots of explaining why breastmilk is best but being countered with how its going to be easier and 'better' for baby to take formula. Not to forget, no water for baby. Again, it didn't seem humane to her, so she gave, ignoring us. That was then.

But all those were past. Our parents have witnessed how healthy AN was in her 1st year and are 'converts'.

It was weird though that when I was chatting with Mil last weekend about her sister being rather discouraging towards the daughter's (Mr Liow's cousin) attempt to breastfeed. I commented that it is hard when the mums do not understand our desire to nurse but then, most mums feed formula milk in the past. It's tough too, to change the mindset they have that formula is best. I'm not against formula milk. AN was on half half for her 1st few months of life.

Guess what she said? "I knew how good breastmilk is. I read a lot. That's why it was easier for you last time. Not like ps (Mr Liow's cousin)"

HUh?

How should I reply? That opened up an old can of worms. She had not been supportive at all when I needed the support at the very beginning. If I had not insisted, if Mr Liow was not supportive, I'd have given up.

Yet she remembered that she was one rare supportive Mil? No! She was not one then! She just gradually grew into our style and watching me nurse became natural after that! I would be thankful if she (and my mum) stopped suggesting formula then! Arrrghh...!

It's conversations like these that puts me off.

Is she really that forgetful? Or does she only want to remind herself (and whoever else) that she's better than she really is?

Maybe I'm just petty. Not that I want her to remember she had a part in making it hard for me then. I just don't like it that she thinks she had been very supportive right from the start!

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Our Keys Guardians

Our main key plus those for window grilles, heavily guarded by Woody, Darth Vader, and I-don't-know-who-is-that.

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Welcome note

AN's 1st note to her dad

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Fruits Galore!

I should start taking pictures of fruits from now on.

Krislyn, Andy's girlfriend's dad is in the fruit biz and he's been sending us loads of yummy fruits!

My parents got giant juicy and sweet brown pear-like fruits and blueberries for a start. Then when Kris knew AN loves blueberries, her dad gave us 6 boxes. And bro came early morning yesterday to deliver a pretty set of 4 packs of strawberries and a pack of grapes.

The thing about these fruits is, they are all sweet and juicy! I think her dad picked the best of his freshest batches for us. I love berries but those that I've ever bought are between tasteless and sour, or not very juicy.

And one can expect a few fruits that have ripened too much in a pack. Those from Kris were perfect: every single piece were fresh, bright coloured, sweet and juicy!

We finished a pack on that same day. Left with 3 packs, see if my mum wants any. I'm tempted to feast on more, maybe tomorrow with my laoban.

1 hour and 20 mins more to his flight arrival. Counting down...

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Day 9: Not everyday is Sunday

My 'Sunday' came yesterday. It was nice and peaceful.

It's Sunday today, but feels less so...

Was mopping the floor and ER kept waking up. Thank God though, that he slept through our breakfast...

Took me 2 hours just to mop the living room and 2 rooms.

MIL came back from church so she could stay in sight of AN. This girl needs someone around her lately, and if I'm not free to stay around her, anyone else can do.

Rushed thru ER's bath time so that AN could have her lunch. She had been nagging about having bread with milo again but refused fried rice for lunch. Had a showdown with her, she apologised and agreed to fried rice.

Took her 2 hours... TWO HOURS to finish 80% of her food. My blood started boiling after the first hour.

MIL helped rock ER to sleep whenever he woke up during the 2hours and I could see he wasn't resting well.

MIL wasn't feeling well herself and had medicine but wasn't able to rest peacefully coz that boy kept waking up.

ER finally appeared to be in a deeper slumber after a while more and since AN couldn't sleep with wet hair right after her shower, I did wiping. Considering that the last time corners of the house was dusted, it was by our part time helper before she smsed me writing that she broke her arm and had to rest. That was about...a month ago??

But surprisingly it was not very dusty when I wiped! I think mum did the dusting for me. She told me she wiped the TV console when she saw me do it last Wed. So, I stopped wiping. She must have wiped more than just that then.

AN then decided that she wanted bread with milo when I was finally done and showered. Had that and was supposed to sleep but couldn't stop yaking and asking to do more stuff: wanted to read, wanted to pee, kept getting up to pull the blanket over ER coz she didn't want him to feel cold (sweet of her), asked to have my pregnancy wedge to sleep on (been hers since ER came out), sang songs she made up, one after another...and before she finished this last song, sleep caught up with her.

It's 4.30pm now and I'm taking a break. ER must have slept enough just now and he's wide awake now. He is talking so much I wonder if AN had secretly passed on an invisible marathon torch to him before she fell asleep: torch of endless talking.

I guess by the time ER has enough of talking, AN will also have enough of sleeping. It's ok though, coz I'm not tired.

Mr Liow will be home in less than 12hrs. AN had been asking for him for the past week and when she learnt he'll be back early tomorrow morning, she got excited too.

Can't wait...we miss the man.

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Day 8: peaceful schedule

She's got so many things she wants to do but deprived of, coz I either have no time to sit through a proper session of play or some other activities with her, or it's something that requires cleaning up which I do not foresee I'd be able to complete till who-knows-when.

By God's grace, even though there's no one around to help today (MIL made lunch and dinner for us before going out), I had the luxury of time to complete each task peacefully today! Keyword here is PEACEFULLY.

I mopped the floor while ER slept. AN was playing by herself and not being very insistent about having me play with her today as compared to other days.

I even had time to play Jenga (tumbling blocks) with AN while ER kept himself occupied by yaking to himself.

He fell asleep again while we skyped with Mr Liow, and then we had lunch.

The kiddos' bath times today were also peacefully executed (AN usually helps me bath ER so she's not the problem. It's him who needs to be asleep so that I can shower AN in peace). And sleep, he did.

We had more sessions of Jenga and checkers (while snacking on strawberries) and then it was time for nap.

AN couldn't sleep coz she was hungry, so I made her milo that she could dip bread in. I have no idea since when she learnt to eat like this because the last time I suggested she could dip bread in milo, she wasn't interested.

Finally she was tired but ER woke up. Took little coaxing before he went back to sleep again.

While nursing him back to sleep, he was playing with "mem mem": he suckled and let everything flow out of his mouth as he baby-talked with me and finally, he emptied what was in his mouth by spitting the remaining "mem mem" out. Then he drifted into dreamland too.

I have just woken from a good 2 hours' nap.

*streeeetcccccch*

Life is good today. Hehe.

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Day 7: The mums

Thank God for the mums, both.

MIL spent last weekend with us and cooked for us. She's back again this week. Relationship now is somewhat different.

There are still differences. I still have problems with some of her values or ways of doing things but we have more to talk about now, somehow.

She's been sharing with me stuff and asking for my opinions. She maintains her stand and I maintain mine. Topics were close to heart and I appreciate the sharing session.

As for mum, she's been here the whole week, helping with the cooking, some housework and with the kids. I'd have felt my privacy being invaded in the past. I know, ungrateful me. This time, maybe as I age, I'm learning to appreciate the help. What privacy? How much can privacy be worth?

One day when it's my turn grow old, I hope to fade away quiety. Life is this simple. What used to be important are no longer as important now.

Day 7: -____-" cleared

I still maintain that I did not receive any missed calls to be informed of no-show but an understanding has been established. I was supposed to receive the call but I didn't. It could have been due to anything: network, lost call, wrong number dialled, or whatever else. And the trip was a rush.

Previous post to be ignored and taken off.

Day 6: Admin matters

First HPS, then my IC renewal (ok, these are personal matters), then CDA, AN's birth extract, school registration, stemcord payment, bills (utilities, phones, internet, tv, etc to check, pay and file), filing...

Really can't afford to forget any of these..because, efficiency of certain organisations are not up to standard!

HPS took so much efforts and so long to get approved, birth extract too, almost got lost in the mail, my handphone bills are high for ridiculous reasons, CDA got rejected after we've waited 3weeks because form was "not complete" and they didn't specify why.

And I received a letter from Stemcord saying that the fees will be deducted from Mr Liow's credit card few days back. Haven't found time to file it and I got a call today asking me for the CDA account number.

The staff asked me exactly when I received the letter...and among all the letters I've filed, I couldn't find this particular one...-______-"

Wrong time, wrong thing...

Apparently, they didn't think that they sent any letter to me. No records of that in their system. I won't mind providing them with the CDA account number since this its going to be how their yearly fees will be paid.

I'm just worried they will charge us double. Last time when we signed AN up and indicated the Yoongs as our referral for rebate, they too did not rebate the Yoongs! Not very honest of Stemcord. We won't have known if we hadn't asked them coz the Yoongs forgot about the rebate too.

Sigh...will see how. I've dug into every possible file and found no such letter...will check again after the kids fall asleep before calling Stemcord up again...

Can't do without an effective filing system...I'm not good enough.%

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Goodnight Prayers

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray dear Lord, my soul to keep
May angels watch me through the night
And keep me in thy blessed sight
Amen

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Day 5: More interesting words she's used

While skyping with Mr Liow this afternoon, AN was busy with something behind me. She dropped it I guess, and went: "Oh shit!"

Again, I looked back but she didn't hide this time. She repeated herself when I asked her what she said. I'm ok with "oh shit" but I was curious where she heard that from. She said daddy says it. Mr Liow was like: "No! Not me!" over Skype and both of them started pointing fingers at each other. Hehe.

She said it again a second time and I told her she can say: "oh my goodness" instead. I heard her use "oh my goodness" once, and "oh my god". I think she's learning to punctuate her sentences with words now.

When ER suckles till there's "letdown" of breastmilk (and milk spurts out uncontrollably), and then he lets go, there will be a mess! I've gone: "jia lat!" on many of such occasions. AN saw this happen today, panicked and went: "jia lat! Mummy I get the hanky for you!"

Mum and I looked at each other, wondering if we heard her say that. She noticed and repeated herself: "mummy, jia lat...so messy."

*faint*

For those who wonder what "jia lat" is, it's literally translated as "eat strength" from hokkien and means big trouble or simply "oh no" (I wonder why the words and its meaning are not related).

These exclamation do not bother me as much. Hee.

By the way, AN was in her best behaviour today, or at least I noticed her trying. We had no arguments today. She was cooperative, said sorry immediately when she realised her mistakes and stopped doing what she apologised for.

One thing though, was that she needed someone with her all the time and ah girl happen to be her companion for the whole day and since last evening.

Poor yiyi. hehe.

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Day 4: Self reflecting AN

She's having a sleepless night now and while I'm blogging, she's patting me to sleep (after I banned her from talking anymore. She had been talking for 1.5hrs!).

Before this, she said: "Mummy I made you angry 2 times today." I asked her which 2 times and she got them right: "One time in the afternoon because I didn't want to sleep, one time because I knock yiyi's head and I don't want to say sorry."

She was keeping count!

I asked if she thought I was still angry with her after so long and she was sure I wasn't angry anymore. I asked too, if she thought I still love her. She said yes and "because mummy hug and told me 'I love you' just now."

Phew...thank God my constant need to discipline her did not make her doubt my love for her.

She's finally fallen asleep and this silly baby of mine, keeps waking up randomly to continue patting me to sleep...

Adrielle, mummy loves you. Hate the tantrums and disobedience but I still love you...which kid is perfect? Not even adults are..

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Day 4: Little things about ER

So far, we've tried Pampers and Huggies when he was newborn and both were fine. Pampers was better for him, so we upgraded him to size S Pampers.

He's wearing "M" size now and we've tried Huggies Ultra (not bad but I don't like that it's bulky), Mamy Poko (gave him diaper rash when he was on "S" size. We gave it another chance now that he's on "M" and the rashes are back...and it keeps leaking when he sleeps on his side. Poor sideguard), Nepia (so far the best out of the 3. No leaks, hardly any rashes. Also bulky but good absorbency). Have yet to try Pampers but I think it should be as good.

The thing about ER is, he gets diaper rash even with Desitin. AN was on Pureen diaper rash cream and I didn't always remember to put it on her because she never had rashes. One tube lasted her a year and we stopped putting diaper rash cream on her after she turned one. ER is already on his second tube. Hmm...

ER now enjoys nursing lying down. He had been whining since we came into the room for the night. AN wanted "mem mem" so I thought I'd nurse both at the same time. He got upset and refused. I laid him down and offered him "it". He took my offer and fell asleep soon after. We had been doing this for abt....3wks now and he's showing his preference clearly only tonight.

He's getting cuter by the day, very interactive too. He smiles a lot and makes all his baby sounds. With these baby gestures, I no longer want a baby girl as badly now. Babies are the same. Boys and girls are equally cute!

Thank God Mr Liow will only be away for a little over a week so he won't miss much. Hehe.

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Important things first

Copied this from Ah girl's blog.

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem , almost too much to handle,

When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,

Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class

And had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,

He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar

And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured

Them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively

Filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,

'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - family,

Children, health, Friends, and Favourite passions –

Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,

'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,

You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play With your children.

Take time to get pamper yourself.

Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and wash the windows.

'Take care of the golf balls first --

The things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls" (Thanks Ah girl!)

Day 4: Random thoughts

Countdown: 5 days

Mum stayed over with us last night and helped me mopped the floor this morning. I realised now that clean floors make me happier. I don't know why.

Have nothing much to blog about now. Maybe coz it's early. But I just feel like leaving something in the blog for Mr Liow to read, if he has the time to.

He went to Walmart (what a familiar name!!!!! Aww.....I MISS TUCSON!! I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO!!) and got ER a cotside mobile toy, my DHA and AN's gummybears. If we were there, we could have just gotten those stuff as and when we needed them, not in 'bulk' of 2-3 like now.

When I closed my eyes last night, I saw Tucson. I saw the busy La Cholla Blv road outside Sonoran terrace, the way that leads us towards Gymboree (before and after it shifted), the road to Target and Fry's (and the beautiful scenery that leads us there, the BIG BIG BIG mountain to these places and the view of a large part of Tucson from a higher ground from Target back to S.T).

It's winter now. The mountain right outside our ex-home will be snow peaked sometimes. I can smell the cool cool air as I'm typing this. The big big mountain at Lambert should be even prettier!

IT's time for boots again! AN's boots, my boots and BM's boots when they go for walks..

I miss Tucson.

Day 3: "Put Back that Stupid Thing"

AN actually used those words on the phone! I'm not surprised she'll start using the word 'stupid' one day. Really not surprised because she's heard characters on TV used the word and MIL used that word on the helper, in front of her: "You stupid or what?". But I'm thankful she hardly gets to hear MIL criticise the helper because the helper doesn't come often.

Despite this being the first time and having mental preparation that she'll learn that word one day, I still didn't feel any less angry. ANd she knew, because the moment she said them, I turned around and she covered her mouth. She knew that was a bad word to use, on people and on anything!

I have no idea how to prevent AN from learning bad words. That's not vulgar but one day, she'll learn to use this word to demean people and I do not want AN to grow up, well versed in using demeaning words to put people down.

This is just the beginning. I pray for wisdom and correct timing to remind her each time she uses words like that before they become part of her speech.

Day 2: Between Anger and Love

Countdown: 7 days

AN is getting increasingly stubborn. Even MIL agrees with me.

She got punished twice today: once in the morning for throwing tantrums over nothing (and I really mean nothing. She just didn't feel happy I guess?? Or maybe bad dreams..) and once in the afternoon for being rude.

After the punishment and cooling off, things were back to normal. But right before she fell asleep a while ago, she hugged me tight and told me: "Mummy, I'm sorry for making you sad today." That was unexpected because events that happened during the day was past. Over.

AwwwWw.....

Returned her hug, told her that it's over and assured her that I still love her. She then gave ER a hug and told him that she loves him too. So sweet...

And since last night, AN had been sticking to me before falling asleep. She was afraid she'd get taken away by 'someone' last night and tonight, she was afraid of monsters.

Told her to tell those monsters that mummy said we have no more space on the bed for them if she sees them. We'll make space for daddy when he comes home and if monsters still come, daddy will sleep on them till they become flat, like paper.

She was tickled but as I'm typing this, I'm feeling her body heat. She's bear-hugging me from behind while I'm nursing ER lying down.

We don't really need a king sized bed. Hehe. We are the space saving trio.

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Bonding

AN enjoys buttoning ER's clothes and ER enjoys cooing to his sister.

AN gets nauseous when he poops. That's bad coz she almost threw up a few times and she now keeps a distance coz she says he stinks.

She gets close only when she's sure he's clean, or when I suggest giving him away. Hehe.

ER on the other hand, enjoys watching AN. He was fussing just now but when I put him on the couch to watch AN cutting her playdoh up, he started "communicating" with her.

It's fun watching them...before they start fighting in time to come..

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Immediate Reaction

Right before naptime, AN felt the urge to poop but she had to strain and passed hard stools.

Me: "You are not drinking enough water. If mummy forgets to give you water to drink, you have to remind me ok?"

AN immediately after I finished my sentence: "Mummy, you forgot to give me water."

-_____-"

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Goodbye Mr Liow

Mr Liow just left in Andy's car 30mins ago and I'm already missing him.

Time to countdown again.

Comparing this trip to the last one when we were still in Tucson and him at some island in San Diego, this time is actually no big deal. He's contactable this time, and its only 9 days. The last one was like, a month? And my family is here. MIL is here for the weekend, my parents will come during weekdays. My mum may even stay with us at night. By the time MIL comes next weekend and leaves, Mr Liow will be back. He's reaching wee hours of 13th Dec (2nd monday from now).

It's easier to survive this time round but I'm still going to miss the man for sure

Be safe, dear...

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Bad behaviour

Today is one of those days when nothing seems to agree with AN. In fact, she's been itching to be ticked off more and more recently...

She loves vegetables but screamed in opposition when I put spinach in her bowl. First, she could have told me that she didn't want spinach. Didn't have to kick up a fuss. 2ndly, it was her favourite but she made it seem like it was liver or something...

She got what she was itching for: a good scolding. And guess what? She asked for spinach soon after, and she had quite a considerable amount of it...

She's not letting me out of her sight lately. Each time I'm separated from her by a door, she starts crying for me...I can't be where she can see me all the time, so you can tell how many times she cries each day...

She gives all sorts of excuses when I ask her to do things, or simply takes her time to continue with whatever she was doing, making me wonder if she was NOT going to do what I needed her to.

I've been showering less praises on her...I can no hardly find good reasons to praise her these days. Almost every single thing she does is a good reason for punishment on worse days...

I don't know what is wrong with her. Elder-child-with-new-sibling syndrome? Difficult-preschooler syndrome? Difficult-behaviour-before-falling-sick syndrome? or what? Whatever syndrome that is, it's just so draining to have to scold her for every little thing or hear her cry and cry...

Will this pass or is this already who AN is?? Sigh....

Updated @ 2am:
I asked Mr Liow if it was AN who's behaving bad or me who's short tempered. He was quick and frank: it is ME. He said I lose my temper very easily with AN these days.

I'll try to relax my expectations tomorrow and be as patient as I can with her. It's tough when she repeats the same undesirable behaviour so many times a day. I am no longer ready to give more chances when it keeps happening. But I love her and since Mr Liow had already pointed it out, I'll try to do something about it.

That only goes to show how lousy I'm doing as a mummy... Maybe my impatience caused her to feel insecure and anxious and she becomes increasingly attention seeking which in turn upsets me more. Why can't I just be more tolerant?? Why can't I...

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Wellness Core Ocean

How could I forget?

Before Nature's Variety Instinct and Orijen, I actually locked in on Wellness Core, also grainless. This wasn't available at petstores in Tucson and I didn't want to order from online, so we had them go from NV, to Orijen (both had bad tearing while on it), to NV again, alternating with Primal (Raw).

Whatever premium kibbles we get them, none will match REAL food or better still, raw. Too bad for them. Kibbles come convenient.

Nutritional values are similar to NV's duck formula. I'm certain they will eat. They hv mutated into gluttons since ER's birth coz feeding time is no longer regular and since it won't take a small pack to give results or for allergy to show, I got them the humongous pack.

Will see how they take to this new food. It's fish by the way. Single meat source (but different types of fish). Hope this will do their skin some good.

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